Current mood:

Tired, but better.

New Year's Convo
Nimbi: .. I'm debating whether or not to talk to you right now about something. I don't want to ruin your New Year's by making you worried or depressed or something
xdrgamezx: My new year wasn't amazing, don't feel bad for wanting to talk
xdrgamezx: Whats botherin' ya?
Nimbi: Kaze
Nimbi: I haven't been able to contact him for 4 days
Nimbi: and I'm really worried
xdrgamezx: Ahh, still no contact
Nimbi: plus my self-esteem and self-worth are very very low right now
xdrgamezx: How come?
Nimbi: and my mind keeps thinking of dying and such... lotsa fun stuff
Nimbi: lotsa stuff on my mind
xdrgamezx: What made you think of that?
Nimbi: I keep feeling that I am a burdon on people. I feel that people would be a lot better without me around. I feel that Kaze deserves a lot better.
Nimbi: I don't think I want to finish school
Nimbi: I don't think I want to work anymore
Nimbi: I want to just dissapear
Nimbi: I don't want to keep feeling this pain
xdrgamezx: Just sounds like you are a bit down right now, don't take anything you are thinking right now all too seriously
xdrgamezx: You wont, things are just not going the best they could right now
Nimbi: I don't want to make others feel down, or hinder them by my existance
xdrgamezx: I speak only for myself, but I'm sure my voice is the collective voice, you are not a hinderance on my life in any way
Nimbi: probably because I am physically not there
Nimbi: if I was, then I would be
xdrgamezx: Like I have told you, I wish I could be around you
Nimbi: you think you would... but I'm sure that would change if you were
xdrgamezx: I don't believe you would be
xdrgamezx: I believe it would be a great experience, and making you an ever better friend
Nimbi: *shakes his head* I'd just cause you sadness and bother you
xdrgamezx: Thats just you speaking right now, we both really don't know what would happen
Nimbi: I used to see myself finishing school, living with Kaze, having a good job... I just can't see it anymore.
Nimbi: I can't see myself finishing anything
xdrgamezx: Don't let your sadness overwhelm you right now Nimbus
Nimbi: I see family and friends upset with me
Nimbi: a part of me thinks I should be somewhere which would watch me and make sure I don't hurt myself. it wants me to go and tell my paents I am not well and that I should go and get help.
Nimbi: This can't be normal
Nimbi: it just can't be
Nimbi: Kaze deserves better
Nimbi: he doesn't deserve the mess that I am
Nimbi: you deserve a friend that won't make you worried
xdrgamezx: You are just letting things pile up it sounds like to me. You don't need to be under any survaliance, and you need to give yourself more credit than you are right now
xdrgamezx: Kaze loves you. And I think you are one of my best friends, you have to see this. It doesn't matter what you may think, the friendship goes two ways
Nimbi: a part of me hoped that I would get in an accident on my way home
Nimbi: a part of me wants to sit outside with little clothing all night
Nimbi: a part of me doesn't want to eat at all
Nimbi: I keep thinking these kinds of things
xdrgamezx: And what about the other parts?
xdrgamezx: There has to be some good or hope somewhere
Nimbi: well, one part knows that by doing that I would make people sad
xdrgamezx: Even if you don't believe it right now
Nimbi: a part thinks that I am just over reacting
Nimbi: I'm worrying over nothing
Nimbi: a part of me wants to cuddle with someone and just cry into their shoulder
Nimbi: a part of me wants to cuddle with someone and just cry into their shoulder
Nimbi: I'm just... I don't know what to do
Nimbi: I don't want to be sad
Nimbi: I don't want to feel this pain
Nimbi: it makes me think bad things
Nimbi: it makes me wonder why anyone would want to ever be with me
xdrgamezx: I'm here for you, anything you need thats in my power is at your disposal.
Nimbi: when they could have someone that doesn't think like this
xdrgamezx: Because they would be with an amazing person
xdrgamezx: That isn't a whole lot of people left then
Nimbi: yes, amazing he is still alive and hasn't killed himself
xdrgamezx: Everyone thinks like this.
xdrgamezx: Everyone
Nimbi: impossible... I can't believe that could be true
xdrgamezx: I can't give testimonies other than my own.
xdrgamezx: But for the past week or so I have been thinking along the same lines.
xdrgamezx: But I can see that things will go on.
xdrgamezx: And there is a chance that it will get better, even if I can't see anything right now
Nimbi: I'm afraid for Kaze
Nimbi: I'm afraid for his health
xdrgamezx: As I am too
xdrgamezx: And I'm sure that is what is causing a good deal of this distress
Nimbi: I'm not afraid about our relationship because I wouldn't be nearlyu as upset if he found someone else to make him happy
Nimbi: I just want him to be happy
Nimbi: but I'm afraid he's hurt, or something
xdrgamezx: I don't think anything health wise may be stopping him. I'm more worried social wise, family problems or something between you two.
xdrgamezx: Its nothing life threatening, if he had the time to say he will talk to you later, so that downgrades the seriousness a bit.
Nimbi: I was thinking that something happened AFTER he told me we needed to talk
Nimbi: like, he collapsed at work or something
Nimbi: or is in the hospital
xdrgamezx: Thats a possibility, but its just another possiblity, really hard to say yes or no
Nimbi: yeah...
Nimbi: possibility: He sent me something for christmas and I haven't recieved it. It may have been sent back to him, his parents opened it, and kicked him out of the house
xdrgamezx: Yeah, but thats one of a lot of possibilities
Nimbi: If anything, I'm sure he as away from his phone
xdrgamezx: If you sit there and try to find out each one, you will drive yourself into a hole of worry
Nimbi: he either lost it (again) or is unable to use it
Nimbi: I've done that
Nimbi: ... been doing that
xdrgamezx: Maybe his parents took it for some reason
Nimbi: that's why I came home
Nimbi: could be...
xdrgamezx: I know not knowing is one of the worts places to be in, but the only way not to drive yourself mad is to not think of some of the more crazy "What if"s
Nimbi: i know i know...
Nimbi: It's just so hard NOT to
xdrgamezx: *nods* Its just about impossible
xdrgamezx: But just keep in your mind, that most of these are just what ifs
xdrgamezx: And what the truth is, may be nowhere near this idea
Nimbi: *whimpers*
xdrgamezx: I really wish I was there right now for you Nimbus, I would give up anything to be able to comfort you in person.
Nimbi: nah, I wouldn't want you to do that. I wouldn't want you to bother yourself with my problems...
Nimbi: though honestly I'd like it
xdrgamezx: If im here talking to you
xdrgamezx: I much rather be /there/ talking to you
xdrgamezx: I much rather be that shoulder you can cry on
xdrgamezx: I much rather be there for any moment you needed me
xdrgamezx: I much rather be something a bit more than some black text
Nimbi: (psst... then change the color )
Nimbi: thanks Gamez...
Nimbi: you know... I was doing a LOT of thinking while I was driving back home
Nimbi: and I realized that I thnk a lot of people would say things to me just to be nice and to try and make me feel better...
Nimbi: but you would be different. You would say something and really mean it and I would believe you
Nimbi: I trust you so very much, and I thank you for your patience with me, and for your support
Nimbi: it means a lot to me
xdrgamezx: And you have just made me happier than I have ever felt this year.
Nimbi: which really isn't saying much because it's only 3 hours into the new year
xdrgamezx: I know, I can't stop myself some times.
xdrgamezx: But in all honesty
xdrgamezx: That... wow, that does feel really good
xdrgamezx: Really... good
Nimbi: I'm glad I can make at least one person happier
xdrgamezx: The kind of good that defines life purpose good
xdrgamezx: And I wish I could hug you in person for that
xdrgamezx: I could never ask for a greater friend
Nimbi: sure you could
Nimbi: you just wouldn't get one j/k
xdrgamezx: Hehe
Nimbi: grrr... I can't say mean things about myself around you. You make everything seem logical and how what I'm thinking negatively about myself isn't correct
xdrgamezx: Thinking negativley about yourself is good, as long as you think positivley. You cannot live a healthy life without some balance
Nimbi: I guess...
Nimbi: I find it hard to think good things about myself most times though
xdrgamezx: It is tougher
xdrgamezx: Your mind is the the toughest critic you will ever come up against
Nimbi: *nods*
Nimbi: ... whenever I try to think positively about myself I always feel that I am being egotistical and self-centered
xdrgamezx: Thats natural
xdrgamezx: But start small
xdrgamezx: "I have friends."
xdrgamezx: You cannot deny that one
xdrgamezx: And that says a lot in itself
Nimbi: mmm... I could in a way
Nimbi: :/
xdrgamezx: If you deny you have friends
xdrgamezx: Then you are calling me a liar... you dont' want to do that do ya?
xdrgamezx: Heh
Nimbi: I have a friend
Nimbi:
xdrgamezx: Well there
Nimbi: there, not a lie
xdrgamezx: A start
Nimbi: true
xdrgamezx: So we have one positive
xdrgamezx: You can never deny
Nimbi: I have a very good friend ^^
xdrgamezx: n..n
xdrgamezx: The other positives will take a bit more work and whatnot
xdrgamezx: But you will always have that one.
Nimbi: I hope
xdrgamezx: I know
Nimbi: ... yup... egotisticalness >.<
Nimbi: difficult, very difficult
xdrgamezx: Heh
xdrgamezx: You have one
xdrgamezx: And you have enough negatives
xdrgamezx: So lets not bother with those
xdrgamezx: People find you cute
Nimbi: I don't know why
xdrgamezx: You've said taht yourself
Nimbi: right
xdrgamezx: You dont have to know why
xdrgamezx: I dont know why people can't hate me
xdrgamezx: But they can't
xdrgamezx: So I believe it
xdrgamezx: You have a very good friend, and some people find you cute.
xdrgamezx: You don't have to believe them
Nimbi: *chuckles*
xdrgamezx: Because they are fact and truth
Nimbi: but don't I really need to believe it muself though?
xdrgamezx: Just know they are fact
xdrgamezx: Not believing them is the same as saying we never landed on the moon
xdrgamezx: Its just denial right now
xdrgamezx: And denying good things about yourself
xdrgamezx: Is modesty
xdrgamezx: And modesty isn't bad at all
Nimbi: but by the same logic, someone thinking I am the anti-christ makes it true as well
xdrgamezx: I dont see any facts proving you are
Nimbi: I don't see any facts proving I am cute
xdrgamezx: People have told you
xdrgamezx: Or however you found out
Nimbi: so... what if they tell me I am the anti-christ?
xdrgamezx: Then your trying to hard to break my little hapiness speil
Nimbi: hehe
Nimbi: (smiles ^^)
xdrgamezx: So you have 2 things
xdrgamezx: A good way to start the new year
Nimbi: I have 2 things? I count only one
xdrgamezx: Well fine, one and a half
Nimbi: hehe
xdrgamezx: You cannot fully deny the cute one
Nimbi: 2 if you count the antichrist
Nimbi:
xdrgamezx: Heh
xdrgamezx: Yes
Nimbi: a cute anti-christ with a very good friend ^^
xdrgamezx: You have a very good friend, some people think you are cute, and a furry raccoon is the anti-christ upon our world.
Nimbi: buahahaha~
xdrgamezx: n..n
xdrgamezx: Just remember to keep my annoying logics in your head when things pile up
Nimbi: I'll try
xdrgamezx: I'm sure they will annoy you enough to slow down thought
xdrgamezx: They annoy me to no end :/
Nimbi: aww~ (smiles) *hugs*
xdrgamezx: *hugs back warmly*
Nimbi: I feel better
Nimbi: thanks
xdrgamezx: Anytime Nimbus